The Unconscious Bias

My friendly new neighbors are artists. One designs user-friendly good-to-look-at tech solutions. And the other one makes beautiful designs on paper, cakes and rangolis.

The other day I happened to compliment them on their creativity…and ended up saying,” So both of you are artists, but in the reverse way. While she is the techie, he is the painter!!”

And as soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. I allowed the bias to creep in. And I allowed it, even though my own father was a painter.

“Who helps your daughter with her studies and home-assignments? I see you usually working till late in office.” My colleague questioned.

“My husband does. And actually, both of us prefer it that way.” I replied. “He is a better teacher than I am and he enjoys teaching.”

She seemed surprised. The bias had crept in. And it came even though she is a working mother, balancing between work and family, with equal contribution from her spouse.

The other day we were getting into our car, when we were greeted by an elderly neighbor. Seeing me get into the driver’s seat, she teased my husband, “See, good you taught her how to drive. Today it’s convenient for you too.” The bias had crept in.

“He didn’t teach me how to drive.” I retorted. “I have been driving from the time I was in college, much before I met him. He only taught me how to cook omelettes.”

A group of us were casually chatting the other day, when the conversation reached the recent MeToo movement. My friend picked up his mobile and showed us a recent pic of an ex-colleague. This was a comment on a female colleague’s dress, and its correlation to any unethical behavior.

The bias had crept in. And it did, even though he is a liberal and open-minded individual, with modern thinking and ideologies.

And this is what experts call as ‘Unconscious Bias’. The bias which creeps into our minds, words and actions, and many a times without us even realizing it. So even though in principle we dont have a bias, for eg against men cooking or helping in household work, it may still show-up in our words or actions or reactions. 

Unconscious bias plagues people from all age groups, ethnicities, socio-economic and educational backgrounds. And though these mistakes are mostly unintentional, there is but one way to correct them. To apologize. To self and to others too. To consciously correct the unconscious bias.

The Beauty and The Boring

They came from different worlds. They were totally different, totally opposite. But just as it was told in the famous fairy-tale, they were meant to be together. And they were together. Happily ever-after.

And thus the story began…..

She quickly packed his lunch. Rice in one box and daal in another, and ran towards the door, locking it behind her. She started with a long apology note as soon as she got into the car, narrating the reasons for delay. He only smiled and drove ahead. For the entire journey, she led the conversation. He only responded intermittently.    

His weekend plans were lack-luster. He preferred staying at home, glued to his tv and books, content with simple meals she would prepare. She was a free-bird, waiting to explore and experience everything outside the four walls of her air-conditioned high-rise office building. She called it her time in the ‘real world’. But he always accompanied her.

On a lazy evening, she would play songs, would dance around the house, could be seen humming a tune. When in a good mood she would prepare elaborate meals. When pensive, it was two cups of coffee. And he always watched this from the corner of his eyes, meekly smiling. He simply adjusted his mood and behavior to compliment hers.  

On special occasions she would plan elaborately. From surprise gifts to sumptuous meals. From untold desires to unseen needs, she would get him everything she could think of. When it was his turn, he would become clumsy and confused, guilt weighing heavy on his heart.  

It was their wedding anniversary. They were spending it in a quiet resort, away from the humdrum of city life. Just the two of them, staring at the row of trees from the balcony.

“You must be feeling bored. I am sorry if I disappointed you.” He finally broke the silence. “But I am not boy-friend material. I can’t plan exotic vacations, candle light dinner, can’t buy red roses or mush greeting cards. Its just not in me.” ☹

“And that is why I decided to marry you and not have a passing affair.” She winked. 😉 

“True, that he’s no Prince Charming but there’s something in him that I simply didn’t see.” - Belle in the movie Beauty & the Beast