Its Time to Call it Quits Dear

Recently a friend of mine called off her wedding just a month prior to the D-day. When I met her she was visibly upset about the decision, but felt that it was better to make a tough decision in the short-run, than to live with a wrong choice for the rest of her life. I can’t argue against it. But her response certainly got me thinking.

Many a times we continue living with a wrong choice we may have made in past, as the cost of moving out is very high. We invest time, money and energy in our personal and professional relations. And each of these relations go through their own time trajectory. Some fade out at the very onset. Others reach a peak and then suddenly fall apart. Even those that we manage to sustain over a period of time, go through their own lows and highs. None the less, they all come with their own sets of demands and expectations.

So how much should one invest before calling it off? How much is too much? – It is difficult to quantify the investment. But certainly at some point one must do some kind of ‘rate of return’ analysis. For those who do not understand the financial terminology, or if you are think I have become too materialistic and am forgetting about self-less love and devotion, then let me explain a bit.

First and foremost, expectations and returns are two different things. One may not expect it, but the fact is that we do get something in return from each relation. Even the most devoted believers of God, cannot deny the fact that their faith has helped them sail through some difficult periods of life. So even though they do not worship the all mighty with an ‘expectation’ that life will be devoid of problems, they have certainly received something from that divine source. The courage to face the challenges and the will to sustain through difficulties is the ‘return’ from their relation with the almighty.

If we adopt a more scientific approach, parasites are believed to have one-way relations with their prey. However these relations are neither sustainable nor voluntary. Even in human world, no one invites a parasite for a relationship. I agree that such relations do exist, however, equally true is the fact that no rational person will enter such a relation in his free will.

So having established that in every relationship there is a give & take process, let us get back to the point ‘rate of return’ in a relationship or how much is too much, from where we originally started. It’s actually a complex equation. And each one of us is constantly trying to find our optimum solutions. And there are no right or wrong answers. However there are some broad line of thoughts, which if followed can make decisions and their executions easier and healthier.

·         Avoid abuse at all costs – we come across many people who stay in abusive relationships. Some of them are even known celebrities. Psychologists and doctors define these people with some inherent mental and emotional complexities, which make them think that there is nothing wrong in such a treatment. Sometimes people even accept it as their destiny. A few others don’t have the courage to move out. But no where have I come across any study or a person who could justify that there still can exist a happy and healthy relationship between the two individuals.

·         Stay as long as there is a future – as a couple there must be something the two of you want to do together. Even if it just sharing the responsibility of raising the kids. As friends, the once in a while coffee table or telephonic conversation you look forward to. As a professional that new project or opportunity which seems exciting. As long as there is a hope, it makes sense to invest in the relationship

·         Don’t drop a bomb, don’t burn bridges – if and when you finally decide to move on, there is always a mature way of handling the parting. You may fool yourself by saying that I didn’t want to hurt the other person, but running away is never the right way. Unless and until you are with a tyrant who may shoot you with a gun for breaking up. If you are sure of your decision, take the responsibility of sharing it, answering questions, give the other person time and opportunity to process the thoughts, and move on with a head held high. Such a parting is likely to be smooth and easier for both parties.

·         Smile and live – I lost my father at the age of twenty. He left a void which nothing has been able to fill, and nothing will. But this loss also taught me some of the most important lessons of life. One such lesson was to smile and live. As they say, what goes out, comes back. And because one thing has gone wrong, it is not reason enough to make everything else go wrong. It makes living easier for you and also for all those around you.

Tiny Trotters

And I sat there, overwhelmed with a sense of excitement, looking at those tiny feet taking their first step…..

Kids grow up. And they grow up fast. Much sooner than we realize. And as parents we are left with a confused mix of emotions, feeling relieved with their reduced dependence on us, and yet scared to let go.

This is a feeling mentors and coaches in professional world experience very often. Like a baby looking at his mother for food, comfort and shelter, people in any organization also look for growth, guidance and support. And again, just like a baby recognizes that among all the people in his surroundings, it’s the mother who will fulfill his needs. Similarly, an individual also expects his mentor to help him prepare for the challenges and difficulties the professional world will pose before him.  

All of us at some point in our careers have either looked up to a senior member of the fraternity, immediate boss, a friend or a colleague to coach us or help us take certain important decisions. However each of these relationships don’t develop as a mentor-mentee relation. For that to happen, the association must exist over a period of time. Just like a new-born may start looking for his mother right after his birth. But for him to recognize her touch, smell and to feel her presence, it takes a few days or sometimes weeks.

As I started to spend more time with my daughter I realized that some of the skills or values I had picked up during my project management days, especially those related to team-connect and team-management, knowingly or unknowingly I was using them with my little protégée.

Observe  – as a manager we were often encouraged to establish a close connect with our teams, to understand the unique needs of each member, and help them decide a growth path they want to pursue. This is very similar to a mother who learns to pick up the unique needs, demands and gestures of her baby. Patient listening and keen observations are keys to the other person’s mind. A mother who has had more than one child will be able to tell how each reacted differently to similar needs and situations. Similarly, it is equally important to identify the individual’s strengths and weaknesses. If these are made part of the growth plan early on, it goes a long way in an all-round development of the individual.

Build – as people’s leader it is very important to keep your team motivated and inspire confidence in them to achieve their goals. Similarly when you have kids at home, it becomes very important to maintain a positive environment in and around the house. Lauding them on their small silly achievements goes a long way in turning them in confident individuals. A small thing which we all tend to forget in our maddening rush of goals and deadlines is that it is not always important to do the right thing in the right way. Sometimes it is more important to just try. As parents, like as mentors, our job is only to inspire our protégée. Rather them giving them ready solution for all their problems, ability to find those answers will prepare them for all challenges.

Let Go – this is probably the most difficult of all skills. To let go. To see your apprentice metamorphose into an independent individual, brimming with confidence to face the world, is certainly a very satisfying feeling. However, where most people fail is to be able to identify that moment. It is true that even after this point the mentee could do well with some guidance and support. However equally true is the fact that some battles are better fought alone. The learning that comes with making difficult decisions, and facing the consequences, can’t be taught. They can only be gained through experience.

And thus it doesn’t worry me when my little one falls while playing or running inside the house or in the park. As only then she will learn to get up. My job as a mother or as a mentor is not to prevent her from falling. My job is to only ensure she doesn’t jump out of the window…….

Revisiting Animal Kingdom

It almost seems like a lifetime since I last visited the zoo. Have been trying very hard, but cant recall when was the last time that I actually set foot inside a zoo as a child. Maybe I can count a couple of visits to sanctuaries, just to feel good that it was not so long ago. But then again, even that was probably some 10 odd years ago.

Again thanks to Vritti, I am reliving my long forgotten childhood. As I said earlier, we as parents try to teach our kids so many things. But in fact they also help us in learning and re-learning important lessons of life.

My first lesson from this trip was from a street side hawker. Being new to the city, we were stopping in between to ask for directions. Even though the smart apps on the smart phones were giving us all possible details. But over the years we have learnt not to blindly trust their smartness. So at one of such points, finding no one else on road, we asked a street-side hawker where we need to go for the zoo. Now this man, was obviously illiterate, was possibly not from the town and couple of other things that we may assume to prove his ignorance. In short he did not know what a zoo was. So we being the understanding intellectuals (pun intended) were trying to explain – the place where they keep the animals. And after two minutes he looks at us and says – ‘chidiyaghar’ jana hai?

And that one word was sufficient to remind us how far we have come from our roots, in our quest of a better life. For next 10 minutes both my husband and I were laughing at each other, and at our ignorance. A word that we have grown up with. A word that used to have so many fond memories attached to it. And we needed an illiterate man to remind us of it.

The next big lesson was awaiting us at the door of the zoo. As soon as we entered. There were groups of people, all dressed up in some of their best clothes, and had come to visit the zoo with their families. It was like a family picnic. An occasion to look forward to. Not that all these groups were from the lower strata of the society. There were quite a few from the middle and upper middle class families. We even found a few with sophisticated looking cameras and big lenses. A few others clicking pictures on their smart phones. But the excitement of childhood was common in all.

This was second lesson revised. You don’t need 5-star restaurants, designer branded clothes or gourmet food to feel the spirit of joy or excitement. Not that I have anything against these things. I am not even calling them redundant. I am only saying that a place where you pay a nominal entry fee of Rs 10, can be equally exciting and fun-filled.

Not that this is a great revelation for any of us. It’s just that these are some of the things we somehow forget in our rush of life. People of my generation realize the importance of leisure in our lives. We take special initiative and efforts to ensure that we get it. Even if we end up paying little extra for it. Then be it visiting far off places for vacations, travelling half-way across the city to try a new food joint or buying that extra dress with an existing overflowing wardrobe. I repeat. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against any of them. I have and will continue to indulge in all of these. The only difference is that now I include ‘a visit to the zoo’ in the same category. Just like I used to do during my childhood.

The Begining

Let us start from the very beginning......
                                          ............And the very first place to start

The idea of writing this blog first came to me about a year and a half back when I started writing memoires for my daughter. Whenever time permitted I captured small instances of her infancy in a diary. Hoping that some day she would read them.

While writing this diary I realized there were things I was telling her as a parent. Values or principles all parents try to pass on their kids. These were neither something new, nor something out of ordinary. Still in some way I was learning them again while teaching her.

Itts-Bitts is my attempt to share those learning, which I gathered along my journey of life. Some remembered, some forgotten, some re-learnt with my daughter.......