I feel like a person who has been given a death sentence. My
fate is sealed. I can neither pre-pone it, nor
can postpone it. I just wait for my time to come. And yet, from now to that day
I must live. Live every moment. Live a normal life. Like all others around me.
If I am hungry they will feed me. If I ail, they will treat
me. If I refuse they will force.
And so I must live. Live every day. Live till I die.
And yet I am NOT like a person who has been given a death
sentence. As I have hope. Hope of a life after death. I can rise from ashes. If
I choose. And thus I must choose.
Live now, in a hope that I will live then.
There was a long pause. My animated monologue had come to an
end. My friend, and then my only audience, had her eyes wide open, staring
intently at my face.
Finally she broke her silence. “Don’t write that in your
farewell note. Its total melodrama.”
Role changes, transfers and even lay-offs, are the realities
of today’s corporate world. All of us have been through at least one of these,
at least once in our careers. For the new-age workers everything is transitory.
Employers, jobs, roles and responsibilities, colleagues and of course the
salary levels – everything can and does changes.
In my decade long work experience, I had already come
face-to-face with this reality – ‘change is the only constant’. And I was prepared
to brace it.
But what stood before me now was not a change. It was a full-stop. I had decided to move out of permanent employment to be with my new
born. I had loved my work. I had enjoyed
my freedom. I had lived my independence. And now I was preparing to give up all
of this. And probably thus the analogy to a death sentence, to end of one’s
career, and to the discipline of work during notice period.
Yes, I love my child. Love her to the core. I can’t imagine
a life without her. But I love myself too.
In my 35 years of existence I have maybe only spent initial
2.5 years sitting at home. After that it was a daily visit to school, daily
travel to university, and daily commute to office. Even weekends had come accompanied
with supermarket visits. It had been a long and continuous journey.
And thus quite naturally I was getting goose bumps at the
thought of being confined to the four walls of my house. At one hand I was
trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I will resume full-time
employment. In my heart I was scared. I had seen many fail this attempt. I was
no different. I could be one of them.
It has been almost 3 years since then. My hope of a life
after death has come true. I am pursuing a career of my choice. I even picked
up new hobbies, unearthed new talents. I changed organizations and acquired new
skills. Yet I don’t claim to be a phoenix, as I am still scared of ashes. I don’t
feel proud of my achievements as they are not just mine, but a collaboration of
many.
But I let the dilemma continue. Drama accompanies. The tussle
of a mother, a daughter, a wife and an individual continues. My struggle
continues.
