There are almost always two aspects of anything. Be it a
coin or real life situations. And almost always the line between these two
sides or two aspects or two points of views, whatever we may want to call it,
is very thin. Just as thick as the coin itself, and sometimes even thinner.
Blurring it-self, making a distinction difficult.
Here I want to make reference to a similar thin line between
– adjustments in a relationship, and the giving up your-self for a
relationship. Let me clarify at the start, I am not referring to the extreme cases
where people endure physical and mental abuse from kith & kin. I am not
referring to the humungous efforts people put-in to learn new languages,
cultures, traditions and values, sometimes moving away from their land of
origin, either for their chosen life partners, or in search of personal goals
like career. I am referring to the small and simple adjustments that all of us
make in our day-to-day lives.
Let me start explaining with an example. This friend of
mine, an educated house-wife, was very fond of Chinese food. However,
unfortunately she was married to a guy, who though one of the most caring and
loving husbands, was fond of Indian cuisine. And it so happened that every time
this couple visited a restaurant, which was at least once a week if not more,
they ended up ordering Indian cuisine. And this continued for more than a year.
An aunt of mine is known among her family and friends for
her poise and grace. I have known many young women of my generation to take
tips from her, even to the extent of trying to emulate her style. As luck would
have it, her daughter-in-law, otherwise gifted with many virtues, is simplicity
personified. For quite a few years after the marriage, every social gathering
which required presence of both these women, was preceded by a stiff and tense
atmosphere at their home.
In a similar case, two of my colleagues are very close friends
inside and outside office. As they happen to live close-by, they travelled in
the same office transport quite often. The only difference was that while one
friend preferred to read during long traffic jams, the other wanted to spend
some time with her friend, talking about some mundane and some important
issues.
In each of these, and many other similar situations that we
come across, it is very easy to classify things as heads or tails. We may say
that my friend’s husband tries to impose his choices on her since she is
economically dependent on him. We may also decide that my aunt, a tyrant mother-in-law
tries to impose her choices on her daughter-in-law. Or we may take the other
side of the coin and deduce that the rebellion daughter-in-law doesn’t respect
her elders. Similarly, both my colleagues can be easily classified as a selfish
individual who doesn’t care for her friend.
I don’t call myself an expert on relationship management.
But like most people around me, have witnessed and been part of multiple
relations during my small tenure on this earth. Like most other people, I have
also had to go through some not-so-pleasant experiences where these small
adjustments, demands and expectations took larger than life form. And like most
people out there, I have also found my own solutions for these problems.
All our moral science books, religious scriptures and even
the fairy tales, teach us about love and affection. They also teach us how we
should always be willing to make sacrifices (read adjustments) to ensure the
happiness of others. I learnt the same lessons from my mother and grand-mother.
And now I am trying to teach the same to my daughter. Yet somewhere on our way,
sometimes unknowingly, sometimes unwillingly, we trample on the ‘thin line’ of
right and wrong.
