Respect & Remy

 “Respect is the only thing I give in any relationship.” Remy would often say this with a straight face. And his listener is left confused, dangling between belief and mistrust. Respect is understandable, but what about other emotions? One can still understand if you club feelings like love and care under the same basket as respect. What about negative reactions like hurt or anger?

It’s always very difficult to see what lies behind that poker face. One could only guess that his mind is busy processing every piece of information he could lay his hands on. From reading facial expressions to noticing voice modulations, from the content of the speech to the body language of the speaker, everything is under Remy’s intense scrutiny. His eyes don’t show any hint of the thoughts running in his mind. His face would remain plain like a blank screen.

Remy wasn’t his original name. It was given to him by his foreign colleagues, who found his long Indian name more of a tongue twister. People who heard it thought it was inspired by a bottle of Remy Martin. But it wasn’t. It was inspired by the traits of an ‘oarsman’, the person who works hard to navigate his boat in rough waters.

Coming back to his favorite statement. Respect is a virtue that distinguished him from others. A virtue that he taught many others, including me. He believed that demonstrating emotions like loving, caring, and sharing may result in ambiguity and misunderstanding. But the likelihood of misinterpreting respect is bleak.  He could quote multiple examples to validate his belief.

Like many others of his gender, remembering birthdays and anniversaries has always been a challenge for Remy. Roses and candle-lit dinners are not his strengths. Nor are expensive and surprise gifts. And like many others, he has been reprimanded by the fairer sex for this folly on umpteen occasions. Yet, time and again he proved his commitment by undertaking long and uncomfortable journeys to be with his loved ones when they needed him the most. On one such occasion, he traveled all night in a goods truck. On another, he risked his security by entering a city under partial curfew. 

He does not limit respect to big feats. The person who is often blamed for being lost and disinterested during casual conversations is also the one who notices the most. He is the best companion for a friend seeking a shoulder to cry on. The one who is blamed for being careless and forgetful for small mundane tasks is also the one who cares the most. From serving food in bed for ailing family members to serving water and coffee at the desk for under-pressure colleagues, he would silently care for his nears and dears. And cares not occasionally, but daily.

Silence is misinterpreted most of the time. This has been true in his case as well. He never offers any suggestion, unless specifically asked for. In a world where everyone offers free advice, his silence is often tainted as a lack of concern on his part. Some others also assume it to be stemming from arrogance. Yet those who know him well, also know that a keen observer like him is silent only because he doesn’t want to share unsolicited suggestions. And when asked, he never hesitates from sharing a fair and logical perspective of the situation.

No, it would be incorrect to assume that Remy is incapable of feeling negative emotions. He is not a saint. He doesn’t even aspire to be one. He just knows how to express his emotions in a controlled and measured way. He goes silent to avoid the heat of the moment, simmers down his reactions, and then opens at a later point of time. He searches for the right words and the right moment to express his thoughts. Some people feel that he tries to be politically correct at all times. But in his view, he only avoids saying or doing things which he may regret later. A lesson learned the hard way by someone who isn’t blessed with a gift of gab. There were many instances where he was misunderstood or ended up hurting someone by saying something he didn’t intend to. And so he started treading every step with caution, uttering every word with care.

While all this was true and testimony to Remy’s good-natured being. For me, the best testimony of Remy’s ability to show respect was his acceptance of people as they are. He accepted people with their shortcomings, their mistakes as much as with their strengths. I often saw him unperturbed in the face of tantrums, mood swings, and irrational behavior people showed towards him on certain occasions. Some apologized later for their misconduct, few others didn’t. All one would see was the same silent blank face. After such incidents also nothing changed for Remy. His loyalty and commitment towards the relationship – be is personal or professional – remained unaltered.  

Learning the traits of 'respect' has been a journey for him. An inspiring journey, which probably doesn't make him a hero. Yet it certainly makes him a better human being, a trusted friend, and a loved family man. Someone we all can aspire to be. 

Every relation goes through the test of time. It rides on waves of happiness and sorrow, togetherness, and remoteness. What helps it tide over is the solid base of respect. And thus the name Remy (Oarsman) becomes an apt fit for a person who steers through the rough waters of emotions, to stay stable with respect.