Constructive Parenting Vs Protective Parenting

She rushed towards me with tears filling up those tiny eyes. Hurt and anger was written all over her face. I embraced my 3-year old daughter and hugged her tightly. My shoulder was wet and my heart was aching.

As mothers we tend to get very protective about our kids. At that moment I could have hit anyone who brought tears in those eyes. That is how most of the species react – humans or animals – both.

Coming back to my daughter, hurt, anger, embarrassment seem big words for a 3-year old. But they feel it. And they feel it deep. What they lack is expression.  And at times the inability to express frustrates them. As much as it frustrates us.  

I must admit that I have learnt to not get effected by her every-day play-area fights, more than often coming tantrums and a few illogical demands. Many senior fraternity members have advised me not to take such incidences to heart. Once my daughter’s nursery teacher told me,”We never inform mothers about fights among kids. The problem is kids forget but mothers don’t.” I think what they are saying makes sense.

But today I have a few more serious questions. What should I do as a parent when I see some kid doing one of the following

·        - Pushing each other to danger, like in front of a car or while riding a bicycle

·         -Hitting with a stick or a bat

·         -Climbing out of windows and balconies in high-rise buildings

·         -Using abusive language

·         -Insulting elderly or parents of other kids

·         -Causing embarrassment by indecently explicit remarks or actions

Or any such unacceptable behavior.

I am quite convinced on what I should do if in the above case the culprit (maybe too strong a word) is my own child. A friend has recently set an excellent example when she made her 6-year old son apologize publicly for his miss-behavior. I am sure the impact was bigger than any beating or punishment she could have given.

However my dilemma is how I should react if someone else’s child misbehaves. These are some of the suggestions I have received from my peers:

“Why are you bothered? He is not your child.”

“You can’t do moral policing. Let the parents figure out.”

“There is no point in talking to the parents. They won’t believe you. They will always trust their child more, who will obviously lie.”

“I know you are feeling bad for your child. But kids are resilient. They will forget, and so must you.”

“It’s better to stop the child and counsel him. Going to the parents is a waste of time. They will start accusing you of mud-slinging.”

And so what must I do? What do you do as responsible parents?

Do you only ensure that your kids are away from such kids? Do you educate your kids to not get influenced? Do you fight with the parents? Or are there better ways of approaching these cases?

I request you to share your opinions. It will help me. It will help other parents. And reading what others have to say may also help you.

Thanking you in advance. 

What is my 'Type'?

We completed the test and handed over our sheets. The instructions were clear. Respond to all questions with complete earnestness and honesty. The results will be relevant only then. We tried our best. At least I did.

A few minutes later I was staring at my result. It was written in capital letters. As it always happens in a class, my neighbor peeped in my sheets. He was also my team-mate and a very good friend.

“INFP!!!???!!!” he exclaimed loudly. “What nonsense!! You can’t be this.”

He was loud enough to attract everyone’s attention. The corporate trainer came towards us. She looked at the piece of paper in my hand, with the letters ‘INFP’ written on it. She smiled, “an idealist type, reserved and shy, they are not known to do well in the competitive corporate world. What are you doing here?”

Before I could even utter a word, my friend pitched in. “Exactly! She is neither reserved nor shy. She talks to everyone on the floor.”

Both looked at me disbelievingly, expecting an answer. I had none.

It was the truth.

I am an introvert. I have been one all through my childhood. But then I realized that it didn’t help. It only made me lonelier. So I started opening up with people. I talked about all matter of fact things – from the sky is blue to grass is green. But I kept my thoughts to myself. It made me popular among my peers.

I am intuitive. I go by intuition. I have always planned for the big picture. I am happy in its completeness. It has helped me create set-ups which my peers could not do as they only thought of the small constraints and short-term bottlenecks. I climbed the corporate ladder as my set-ups worked well for the company. 

I feel. And I agree I have suffered because of it. I have also defied logic at times to conform to social implications. But then who doesn’t have draw-back? I take it as an area of improvement, which I am working on. Yet, it’s not a complete negative. This quality has helped me on multiple occasions to gain acceptance among masses, and has catapulted me to a leadership position.

I perceive. I delay my decisions. And it works wonderfully at times as I am open to all possibilities. My pre-determined choices don’t restrict me. I am open to new opportunities. New adventures as they come my way. At times I delay my work, losing out on valuable time.

The training ended, but my thoughts stayed with me. Does it matter what personality type I am? Can I and should I try to change it? Or should I do what people of kind are good at?

I think not. I only choose to improve. If I am INFP, then I just want to be better at it. Trying to become an ESTJ will not help me.

Disclaimer: I am not an INFP. With due respect to the work done by Myers-Briggs, I am happy with my type. I just want to be a better ‘Me’.

My Bonus Payout

I was in the middle of a discussion with my colleague, when my boss approached us. He was holding two envelops in his hand. Our years of experience instantly told us that it was the time for yearly bonus payout.

He smiled at us, handing over our respective envelops. “So what do you plan to do with it?” he enquired jokingly.

“Depends what is in it!!” my colleague retorted almost immediately. Boss smiled and left us.

I preferred to keep quiet.

I had been taught long ago, ‘what is in it will depend on what I want to do with it’.

It was more than a decade ago.

I was still in my first role of my first job. I had a long list of pending purchases, unmet desires and yet-to-be achieved goals. I was struggling to decide what to prioritize as a necessary expenditure, fitting in my miniscule budget. It was then that Mr. Agarwal, my boss at that time, came to me with my first ever bonus payout.

Just to give a brief introduction, Mr. Agarwal belonged to a family of accountants. An astute financial planner, he had inherited the skills in his genes.

Sticking to the cliché, he asked me the same question. “What will you do with it?”

I smiled sheepishly and told him that I am still trying to figure it out.

He patted softly on my back. “First decide what you need and what you want. Money earned without an objective is only greed. Proponents of higher morals may not agree with me. But it’s important to plan an increase in your expenses in order to achieve a healthy increase in your income.”

Now, almost a decade later, I am again holding this envelope. And now I know what to do with it. 

Hanging in Mid Air

Hanging in mid-air I turned towards myself to talk.

Given that my present situation did not present itself with many options of a conversation, I was my best bet. ‘Hanging by a thread’, my first reaction inspired by this thought was a ‘smirk’. 

The irony or solace in my case was that this thread was a product of modern day technological advancement. Made of some complex poly-fibers, it was strong enough to lift a baby elephant. Considering these specs, I couldn't be considered a challenge to test its strengths.

Having convinced myself about the innovative abilities of human race, I turned towards my next possible set of predicaments. My scrutinizing eyes turned towards mother-nature. Wind was blowing with a clear 'in-your-face' attitude. Though in past God has given me many sudden and abrupt shocks. Yet, right now stopping this wind, that too within next few minutes seemed a herculean task, even for his momentary whimsical-ness. And a few minutes are all that I needed.

In a nut-shell, I concluded, possibilities of a mishaps were on the lower side. Thus completing my inspection of external factors, I initiated some self-evaluation. I looked around and estimated that I was around 30 ft above sea-level. And the sea below was neither too deep nor too shallow. High tide had ensured sufficiently high waves. Yet I felt confident that my swimming skills were sufficiently developed to maneuver through their upswing and downswing. In totality nothing seemed amiss. Neither destiny nor my own capabilities showed any signs of weakness. 

Comforted from all front, I turned my attention towards the task at hand. The camera in my hand was still working efficiently, capturing the scenes around. I was also sure that my obedient other-half was standing on the shore, clicking pictures from every possible angle and at every possible point. Together we both had ensured that I gather sufficient experience during these few minutes of my life. Sufficient enough to invite admirations and adulations of friends and family. Also sufficient enough to earmark space in the memory of my system.

Having covered all ground I closed my eyes. A smile of satisfaction was lingering on my lips. I may have been in this contended state for only a split second probably, when I was forced to come back to reality. My feet had touched the ground.

I had completed my adventure of parasailing. It was an experience meant to be remembered. It was a tick in my to-do list. And I have done it.

But have I really done it? ? 

Done it the way it should be? ?

Have I lived it? ?

Have you? ???