I, You and We

I, You and We

                                  – and in that order

The lines from the newspaper article were stuck in my head. This was so conflicting to what I was taught since childhood. But this truly is the new-age mantra.

In case of emergency landing of an aircraft, first put your own oxygen mask. Only then extend a helping hand for someone else. Even if the person sitting next to you is your child or the love of your life. Save your life first, reach a strong and firm position, and then pull up the weaker one to stable grounds. Else we run the risk of putting both lives in danger.

Yes, this is totally conflicting with the stories of Savitri and Annapoorna I heard while growing up. A mother and a wife doesn’t worry about her own needs. She keeps greater good ahead of hers. She is believed to and is expected to go to great lengths ensuring safety and well-being of her loved ones. 

My grand-mother strongly believed that if the lady of the house observed fasting on certain days, it'll bring health and prosperity for her family. Similarly putting vermilion on forehead of married women is expected to bring long-life to her husband. Thus it is a ritual which is not to be missed by married women. No one speaks about the scientific, medical and spiritual benefits associated with abstinence and self-control. 

The pressure is no less on the other gender. Twice a year, every year, all brothers in our community are reminded that they have to protect their sisters from all evil. Fathers are expected to keep aside a considerable chunk of their savings for their son's education and their daughter's wedding. And it is a husband's responsibility to provide for his wife.

All in all it is a cohesive model, where everyone takes care of everyone. Sacrifice is glorified, selflessness is believed to be a virtue and self-interest is looked down upon.

This new theory is totally different and yet it seems logically as correct as the previous one. A nursing mother needs to first feed herself to be able to pass that nourishment to her child. A well-read teacher can share more knowledge with his pupils compared to one who is limited to text-books. A doctor needs sufficient rest for him to be able to efficiently diagnose the patient. The same logic applies for people following mountaineering. Only the one rising first is able to pull others to greater heights.  

A happy heart spreads joy, a smiling face spreads smiles and while laughter is infectious so can be tears. While its true that ‘we get what we give’, its also true that ‘we can give only if we get’. That ‘getting’ can be from an internal source also – like peace of mind, patience or strength of character. Yet, it has to be first received, imbibed and internalized, before sharing.

My friend starts her day in a gym, charging her batteries for the day. After reaching home, she packs of her kids to school and then attends to other pending household tasks. This prioritization allows her to focus only on the task at hand. It also ensures that needs of each are met without compromising those of others.

My better-half moved jobs and thus changed cities. We followed him wherever he went. Each change brought better career prospects for him and improved financial stability for us. If he had put family stability over his growth, maybe we would have had a stable life, but it may have been at a lower plateau.

Recently one of my colleague’s name was doing rounds in grapevine circles. He had volunteered his name for a high risk high visibility project, but at a cost of additional work hours for his team. Needless to say this decision wasnt considered egalitarian by many. A few months down the line, successful implementation of the project brought him better visibility and better growth. He used this opportunity to get additional training programs sanctioned for a few chosen team members. And completion of the project brought, along with certifications, better career prospects for all. If he had first thought of creating work-life balance for his team, maybe they would have scattered away, each searching for brighter pastures.  

Very honestly it has taken me a long time to fully understand the true meaning behind this new-age ideology. Like many others I also believed that by behaving selfishly, I may harm the larger wellbeing. What I probably missed was the thin line between ‘self-centred’ and ‘self-interest’. Only if ‘I’ exist, can I be a part of 'we'. Only if ‘you’ are taken care of, will there be a ‘we’. And if ‘we’ are happy, then all is well.