I am just a little anxious, little worried!!

“The first step in solving a problem is to identify that there is one.”

These words of the therapist were still echoing in Chitra’s mind as she entered the book shop. Half an hour ago she had stepped out of the therapist’s office after completing her hour-long session. This was her third meeting with him, and it was only today that he had started explaining the real problem to her.

Chitra had walked out of his office carrying a mixed bag of emotions. She felt light in her head, with a sense of relief having spoken her mind out freely, without any fear of being judged. She felt a boost of confidence which would defeat her internal daemons. She was beginning to develop a new perspective towards her old self. It was like putting an ointment on her ailing heart.  

Once inside the book shop, she started browsing through the psychology section. Determined to adopt a constructive approach towards life, she needed to understand the process, as described by the therapist. The process of CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The approach where one follows a conscious and structured process towards changing one’s behavior and habits.

 

 

It's difficult to say when did it all actually start. It was yet another day and as always Chitra was glued to her office laptop, after coming back from work. She heard the door of the house open, and her eleven-year-old daughter, Naina came in. Without looking away from the laptop, Chitra asked if she was hungry or needed something else. “No, I am good.” Naina replied and went into her room. Hours later, at the dinner table, Chitra noticed a bandage on Naina’s hand.

“What happened? When did this happen? How did you get hurt? Is it something serious?” Chitra was worried. And quite obviously so.

 “I fell while cycling.”

“Where? How did it happen? Were you distracted? Is it a bad hurt? Will you show it to me now? Who did the dressing for you? Did you apply any anti-septic? Today I was home before you, then why didn’t you tell me anything? I even asked you, but you replied saying all is good.” She kept asking, without a pause. Not getting any space to speak, Naina kept quiet.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chitra was beginning to get impatient.

“Because you always over-react. To everything.” And with this Naina got up and went into her room.

 

 

Chitra sat down on the dining chair, with tears filling her eyes, throat, and her heart. She was hurt.

She reacted because she cared. She reacted because she is worried for her daughter. She reacted because she is afraid. Because she doesn’t want any harm to come to her darling.

She felt rejected. She felt dejected. As if her love and care were not valued at all. What was wrong in asking those questions? Anyone in her place would have asked the same questions. Then what is wrong if she asked them? Why does she get these reactions?

She was angry. She decided she’ll give a piece of her mind to Naina. How dare she speaks like that to her mother?!! This was insulting. Naina must remember her manners.

 

Chitra carried her anger and hurt with her to her office the next day. She hadn’t spoken to Naina since then, and why should she, Naina had not apologized for her behavior. Once in office, she discussed with her colleagues how thankless and careless the current generation was. She complained about their lack of discipline. She criticized their lack of focus and their overconfidence. Together they complained about their kids and then went about their regular work. The crib session didn’t change anything but was only a medium to get some load off their chests.

The situation stayed tense back home too. Naina and her dad tried behaving normally, but Chitra remained terse. She still felt the hurt. It was not the first time that Naina or her dad had ridiculed Chitra’s expressions of love and care. They would often tell her to ‘take a chill pill’. They meant the world to her. Yet it seemed for them her love and care was only a topic for mockery and fun.

They often teased her with names like ‘Mrs. Worrisome’, ‘Tension Queen’, ‘Moody Mommie’, ‘Angry Bird’ etc. She mostly ignored it as friendly banter, but on occasions like these, things would irk her a little more. But life continued, and soon all was forgotten, as always.

 

It was only when Mrs. Ahuja, Chitra’s elderly neighbor, patted on Chitra’s hand, that she felt the first jolt.

Mrs. Ahuja was extremely fond of Naina. Two generations apart, two of them shared a unique bond. Whenever Chitra got late from work, Naina would spend her after-school hours in Mrs. Ahuja’s house. They complemented each other well. While Naina enjoyed talking about her school, friends, and teachers, Mrs. Ahuja thoroughly enjoyed listening. Chitra too was thankful for Mrs. Ahuja’s unconditional support.

On this particular day, which happened to be a lazy slow Saturday evening, Chitra paid Mrs. Ahuja a visit. As they settled with their teacups, conversations flowed, transcending the boundaries of any given topic or objective. Chitra happened to narrate the above incident. She shared her displeasure with Naina’s behavior. Mrs. Ahuja only smiled.

After a pause, she patted Chitra’s hand lightly. “Be careful Chitra! If she can’t share such small problems with you, how do you expect her to share real-life challenges with you?”

Chitra sat stunned as if hit by a thunderbolt. In all her anger, her complaints, and her hurt, she had not once thought of it from Naina’s perspective. It suddenly seemed to her as if she has failed as a mother. She had failed her daughter, the one person she loved the most in this world. All her love, care, all she had done to protect her child, all her efforts, her hard work, was going down the drain. Naina didn’t trust her. Naina didn’t share her hurts, her pain with her mother.

 

It took Chitra three long years to cover the distance between Mrs. Ahuja’s sofa and the Therapist’s chair. And it was probably the most difficult journey that she had ever taken.

From reading parenting self-help books to meeting Naina’s school counselor, Chitra tried various approaches. Everything and everyone told her to be more patient with the child. But she couldn’t let her guards down. She tried protecting Naina at every step. Every day, every minute. Yet Naina could neither see it nor appreciate it. She seemed to be moving away. More Chitra tried getting closer to her, more Naina resisted.

On the face of it, all seemed normal. Naina was growing up fine. She was doing well in her studies. Her teachers and friends were fond of her. She laughed and spoke lovingly to her parents. But Chitra was always worried that she is hiding something. She often asked Naina questions about school, food, her likes, and dislikes, her friends, her hobbies, etc. More often than not, she got plain simple responses. But she did make an attempt to read between the lines. She had to be careful. It’s a mother’s job to be careful about her child.

From her food to clothing, from her friends to her studies, Chitra had always kept a close watch on everything. As a mother, she took pride in the fact that Naina ate healthy food most of the time. Junk or fast food was only allowed on occasional special events. Her screen time was also well under control. On days Chitra got late coming from the office, she preferred Naina spending time in Mrs. Ahuja’s house, completing her homework, than loitering around with her neighborhood friends. Chitra was sure sincerity, hard work, and dedication are values that will help Naina in long run. Anyway, she couldn’t trust other kids. One can never be sure what values are being taught at their homes.

If Naina didn’t complain about her studies or friends, Chitra felt that’s because she doesn’t want to share. And this scared Chitra, as she worried that this might land Naina into trouble. On the other hand, if Naina did complain, Chitra would promptly warn her to stay away from the troublemakers. Her advice was simple, do not do anything wrong, and do not be with people who may do something wrong. In one line, leave no room for making a mistake. Mistakes happen due to carelessness. Mistakes can be costly.

In her heart Chitra knew she was only doing this to protect Naina, a sweet, unassuming, and innocent kid. She was easily trusting as she still hadn’t seen the ugly side of this world. Being a single girl child, only made her more vulnerable and susceptible. The best way to protect her from any harm was to keep her away from mean and ill-meaning people. She kept reminding Naina how naïve and gullible she is, and how other kids could easily outsmart her. She encouraged Naina to stay indoors, and have minimal friends, to prevent being taken for a ride. Prevention to ensure Protection.

 

Chitra herself had a small social circle and she had limited interaction with people outside of work and family. She consciously and deliberately intended to keep it the same. While she enjoyed having cordial relations with most around her, she would refrain from either getting too close or from sharing anything too personal. Even with Mrs. Ahuja, who could be considered one of the closest friends and companion Chitra had, she never spoke about matters close to her heart. She had lost touch with her childhood friends after marriage and Naina. Any new relationship would have required time and effort, which were already a scarcity. Office colleagues should not be trusted with personal matters, as a matter of principle. Social gatherings and events meant time away from family and household work. In a nutshell, all this was too much effort, with too little benefit. So Chitra never felt inclined towards expanding her social network.

As a result, all of Chitra’s time, outside of work hours, was dedicated to her family. Naina was undisputedly the focus of her attention and efforts, and rightly so. Naina’s father was a man of independent thought processes. This made Chitra feel that he didn’t value her opinions or suggestions. He didn’t hide anything from her, yet Chitra stayed with the thought that she could do little to influence his decisions or actions. No, they were not an ‘estranged couple’. Yet he was neither the best friend who would understand her, nor did he match the mythical image of a loving and caring husband. He fulfilled all his duties of a husband and a father, but somehow always a lot was left unmet. He could never really meet Chitra’s expectations, is what he thought. He never really made a genuine effort is what she believed.

For Chitra, her world was limited to her family. Strangely they didn’t seem to appreciate or even recognize it. At times she felt alone with them too. They didn’t seem to understand her concerns or worries. Whatever she did, she did it for their good. Yet, they never saw it from her perspective. For them, she was putting across indefinite restrictions and was endlessly worried.     

 

It all started worsening when Chitra came across an article on how stress or trauma can have a damaging impact on people, and particularly on kids. It explained that kids who don’t share their emotions usually end up with lots of bottled-up and frustrated emotions. Chitra’s first thought was of Naina. She started looking for more such articles. One thing led to another – from behavioral patterns to personality types. There was a hoard of material available, easily accessible and freely floating, covering a wide variety of topics.

The more she read, the more immersed she got. She started making her own inferences, drawing her own conclusions. She read extensively, took freely available personality tests, tests for depression and trauma, navigated through numerous theories, and pondered over those recommendations. The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that things were not going right.

Chitra tried talking to her husband, but he brushed aside her suggestions. “Naina is fine. And she will be fine. You are unnecessarily worrying.” And he continued with his work. Chitra never brought up the topic again. She tried talking to Mrs. Ahuja in some round-about ways. She tried probing Mrs. Ahuja to find if Naina was confiding in her. In return, she only got some advice on not worrying too much, which she promptly brushed aside. How can she not worry, she is the mother. And thus, Chitra continued with her thoughts, worries, and anxieties. Since others around her didn’t understand her, so she stopped sharing but continued worrying.

 

They say every step is important in a journey. The same was true for Chitra. One day during a casual conversation in the office, her boss mentioned that he is getting a psycho-analysis test done for his son. This was one of the requirements, to be submitted with other legal documents while joining a new job. Chitra’s manager had traveled the world on his work assignments, had seen many cultures and systems very closely. He was also a voracious reader, a quality Chitra immensely admired.

As the conversation progressed, he explained how words like ‘therapy’, ‘counseling’, ‘psychology’, and ‘psychiatrist’ were not taboo in many cultures. He spoke about how some societies are more open to the idea of mental wellbeing. How the approach of holistic health is a combination of physical and psychological health. How each is incomplete without the other.

Chitra heard every word but imbibed none. “It's only people who are mentally unwell who need these kinds of treatments”, she convinced herself. She and her family are absolutely normal. Yet, the thought stayed with her. Even after her best attempts, she couldn’t brush them aside. After a few more days of internet-based search, she decided to meet someone.

Chitra was sure this would be her secret. She knew her husband and family would again make fun of her if she told them. She had no friends whom she could trust with something so sensitive. Chitra was always very conscious of what she was sharing with the world. She never trusted anyone so much that they could have control over her choices or her decisions. It was her way of ensuring people don’t take undue advantage of her trust.

Thus, started Chitra’s next phase of the journey, behind the curtains of secrecy and privacy. After an extensive search through online reviews, educational and qualification, years of experience, appointment schedules, location of availability, and multiple other factors, Chitra short-listed a therapist she decided to meet. She just knew she had to meet someone to get a professional stamp on her theories and thought process. At least that will make her husband and daughter listen to her. Hopefully, they’ll value the advice from a qualified person. Everyone had been ignoring her concerns for too long. In her mind, she was convinced that she was taking this step only to prove to her family that she doesn’t just rants without reason.

 

Her first meeting with the therapist was a one-sided affair. She spoke and he listened. Chitra must have spoken for over an hour, explaining her concerns, narrating supporting instances, re-emphasizing her beliefs, and justifying her actions and reactions. He mainly heard her. Very intently, very patiently. He did ask a few questions in between, but they were not very interrogative. On the contrary, they only helped move her story ahead. He also limited his remarks to a minimal, “I see”, “I understand”, “hmmm”.

At the end of it, he asked her to come back for a longer duration. He wanted to do an elaborate interview. It may cost a bit, he explained, as his interview will be based on comprehensive psycho-analytical tools. Chitra assumed these tests were only to check the severity of the situation. The thought that these meetings and discussions will somehow miraculously address all her worries and concerns, gave her a sense of comfort. Not in her wildest imagination did she think that these tests might assess her phycological health.    

 

As Chitra settled in the therapist’s chair for the third time, her apprehensions were almost touching the skies. She almost wanted to run away from there. She kept reminding herself that this conversation will only be between the therapist and her. Thus, she needn’t worry. Worst case, it will always remain her little secret. Just like many of her other thoughts, fears, and worries.

As the conversation unfolded, the therapist explained the rationale behind every question and the scientific interpretation of Chitra’s responses. It took her a few minutes to accept that here she was the subject of assessment, and not her family. But for some strange reason, the therapist’s words were neither insulting nor disturbing. Normally anyone even slightly suggesting such a possibility would have had to face Chitra’s wrath. But today was different. For some strange reason, this conversation was different.

“Chitra, you must understand that none of these changes happen overnight.” The therapist explained. “We all feel anxious during some point in life. But chronic and recurring anxiety can lead to behavioral changes and personality disorders.”

“No Doctor, I don't get this" Chitra found it difficult to accept. "I agree that I worry about my family but that's only because I care. And that's the kind of person I am. Which is absolutely fine. There are different kinds of people in this world. I am like this. Just because I am different from others does not make me abnormal."

"How is it that I am perfectly normal in my behavior?" She continued. "If I was going mad, I am sure my family would have guessed. This could even be a mistake. Neither my family, my relations, my friends or my colleagues ever thought it like this. Else they would have told me.” It was still very blurry for Chitra.

“No. Anxiety is different from phycological depression. It certainly is very different from mental disorders or what in layman's language is called madness. Not every person coughing is suffering from tuberculosis. Isn’t it?” And he laughed a little. This was certainly reassuring.

"Similarly the treatment and approach vary depending on the severity of the condition." He continued. "When a patient complains of headache, we do thorough checks before giving medication for migraine or brain tumor. Similarly, every person who visits a psychologist can not be treated for mental illness. In fact, some people do not need any medication. They come to us because they need counseling, and they don't have anyone who would give them honest and correct advice. Friends and family usually fail in providing that." 

"I have read extensively on mental health and factors that contribute towards it. I am also following some of those recommendations, like healthy food, exercise, and sufficient hours of sleep. I also try to encourage my daughter to follow it. From taking breaks to trying new things, we practice almost everything that's suggested for healthy living." There were still missing links in her mind. The dots were beginning to connect, but not completely. 

The doctor patiently explained, "There certainly is a lot of focus on mental health these days. There is no denying the fact that these practices help in healthy living. At the same time, if all diseases could be cured only by eating healthy and living healthy, the medical profession wouldn't have existed. Unfortunately though getting treated for phycological aberrations is still a taboo in our society."    

As the conversation progressed, Chitra started to clearly differentiate between all the theories she had been reading and her own real problem. While phycological depression is gaining a lot of attention in the current times, anxiety is not seen as a concern. Also, since most people experience anxiety at some point in life, it is not seen as an abnormality. Yet, it is a deviation from normal behavior. It is normal to feel anxious in certain situations. But if the feeling persists for a longer duration, it starts hampering one’s thought process and influences everyday decisions. The person sees everything from the lens of threat and mistrust. Every small problem seems magnified and gets snow-balled in the head. All of it put together even the smallest decisions are clouded with biases.

 

Long story short, Chitra was not mentally ill. She didn’t need any heavy doses of medication to kill the negative thoughts in her head. She just needed self-realizations and self-affirmations – what the doctor prescribed as healthy food for a healthy mind. The world was still a mix of good and bad, she just needed to adjust her lens to get a balanced unbiased view. She had to worry less about her problems, as worries don’t solve problems. She had to identify her anxiety-triggers, and then take a cognitive approach towards addressing them.

 

“I am just a little anxious and a little worried.” Chitra told herself. “And I needn’t be.”

**This story is based on imaginary characters. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.**