Recently a friend of mine called off her wedding just a
month prior to the D-day. When I met her she was visibly upset about the
decision, but felt that it was better to make a tough decision in the
short-run, than to live with a wrong choice for the rest of her life. I can’t
argue against it. But her response certainly got me thinking.
Many a times we continue living with a wrong choice we may
have made in past, as the cost of moving out is very high. We invest time,
money and energy in our personal and professional relations. And each of these
relations go through their own time trajectory. Some fade out at the very
onset. Others reach a peak and then suddenly fall apart. Even those that we
manage to sustain over a period of time, go through their own lows and highs. None
the less, they all come with their own sets of demands and expectations.
So how much should one invest before calling it off? How
much is too much? – It is difficult to quantify the investment. But certainly
at some point one must do some kind of ‘rate of return’ analysis. For those who
do not understand the financial terminology, or if you are think I have become
too materialistic and am forgetting about self-less love and devotion, then let
me explain a bit.
First and foremost, expectations and returns are two
different things. One may not expect it, but the fact is that we do get
something in return from each relation. Even the most devoted believers of God,
cannot deny the fact that their faith has helped them sail through some difficult
periods of life. So even though they do not worship the all mighty with an ‘expectation’ that life will be devoid of
problems, they have certainly received something from that divine source. The
courage to face the challenges and the will to sustain through difficulties is
the ‘return’ from their relation with
the almighty.
If we adopt a more scientific approach, parasites are
believed to have one-way relations with their prey. However these relations are
neither sustainable nor voluntary. Even in human world, no one invites a
parasite for a relationship. I agree that such relations do exist, however,
equally true is the fact that no rational person will enter such a relation in
his free will.
So having established that in every relationship there is a
give & take process, let us get back to the point ‘rate of return’ in a
relationship or how much is too much, from where we originally started. It’s actually
a complex equation. And each one of us is constantly trying to find our optimum
solutions. And there are no right or wrong answers. However there are some
broad line of thoughts, which if followed can make decisions and their
executions easier and healthier.
·
Avoid abuse at all costs – we come
across many people who stay in abusive relationships. Some of them are even
known celebrities. Psychologists and doctors define these people with some
inherent mental and emotional complexities, which make them think that there is
nothing wrong in such a treatment. Sometimes people even accept it as their
destiny. A few others don’t have the courage to move out. But no where have I come
across any study or a person who could justify that there still can exist a
happy and healthy relationship between the two individuals.
·
Stay as long as there is a future –
as a couple there must be something the two of you want to do together. Even if
it just sharing the responsibility of raising the kids. As friends, the once in
a while coffee table or telephonic conversation you look forward to. As a
professional that new project or opportunity which seems exciting. As long as
there is a hope, it makes sense to invest in the relationship
·
Don’t drop a bomb, don’t burn bridges
– if and when you finally decide to move on, there is always a mature way of
handling the parting. You may fool yourself by saying that I didn’t want to
hurt the other person, but running away is never the right way. Unless and
until you are with a tyrant who may shoot you with a gun for breaking up. If you
are sure of your decision, take the responsibility of sharing it, answering
questions, give the other person time and opportunity to process the thoughts,
and move on with a head held high. Such a parting is likely to be smooth and
easier for both parties.
·
Smile and live – I lost my father at
the age of twenty. He left a void which nothing has been able to fill, and
nothing will. But this loss also taught me some of the most important lessons
of life. One such lesson was to smile and live. As they say, what goes out,
comes back. And because one thing has gone wrong, it is not reason enough to
make everything else go wrong. It makes living easier for you and also for all
those around you.
